letting go

Alright. The previous post was just me venting my frustrations. There is no right or wrong i just wanted to clarify. I don't want to be misunderstood once and again. 2 years of life in ahs and 2 years being wronged. Haix. I'm totally letting go of the past now.

a failed friendship

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Carmen, friendship through moulding yourself to fit in isn't friendship. It's like a jigsaw. If you can't fit in, you just can't. You can't force the pieces to be joined. Even if you can, it's still wrong. After all, they weren't meant to be.
You're fine just by yourself.
You see, I have to understand this sometime or another.
I'm so sick and tired of this problem, since I've been forced to talk about it non-stop for the past 48 hours. I've been thinking and worrying over it for months it was such a depressing period for me and u got it over within 48 hours well yeah that's so great of u. And well you are FORCED to think about it whereas i had no choice but to be stuck with the problem for months
I'm just asking you politely and nicely, please read this, on my behalf, and realise the problem does not lie with our project work. Our project work isn't the one breaking friendships up. project work is the one that made us realise what's wrong with each other, our bad and our good (if there ever were)
And I'm not hinting annoyance or anything, but I'd be lying blatantly to say I don't feel anything about it.
Friends are there for you when you need them. so our friendship never meant anything to you. it comes and go just like some hi bye friends then i'm sad to say that i've wasted all the time with u
Have you ever been there for me? All you think of my problems is that it's no big deal. You brush them away. i did my best to help u with your problems. Because of your dnt project, i have to stop what i'm doing and go all the way up to the 4th floor just to meet you online and comment on your work and if this is what u think, there's nothing i can say i did my best aleady
But when you need help, well, that's a totally different matter. You get to me quicker than the speed of light, you do. if u realise, i don't go to you for help most of the time coz i know u can't be of much help and also, i have other friends whom i find it easier to approach
But that's the only time you ever bother listening.
It's cool. After all, friends to you are those who listen only to YOUR problems. So it's okay if you don't listen to mine. is your memory failing you? i did listened to your problems and well u prefer to tell it to someone else and not me so i don't know what happened and you blame me for that?
Is that so?
Friends should learn to accept my negative points. I've tried accepting yours. You insult, you make fun of me, i tolerated all coz i know it's just your way of communicating. For months i said nothing and you never once apologized for it. I don't expect you to say sorry anyway but seriously, everyday i go to school just to hear u saying stuff like your big nostrils; i'm so pretty and you're so ugly. i go home, force myself to forget everything and the cycle continues the next day 
No one is perfect. (After all, life would be boring if everyone were.) But then again, yes, it's true, our bad points irk us every once in a while. Hey, take it from your self-confessed perfectionist, yours truly, it's true.
But what is our negative point?
Is it my negative point because I'm more studious, and your life is more carefree? you don't even know me well. you think that just because i joke around my life is carefree? i joke to make those around me laugh to lighten the atmosphere and sometimes i can even make fun of myself to make those around me happy. it may appear to be carefree but you never saw what lies beneath. If i were to be so serious, i wouldn't even be able to survive at all with all my commitments
Is it my negative point that I tend to try to make our project works more perfect if we have the ability to, but you feel that your duty is done once you complete merely your part? u can call me at night, when i'm walking home from third lang in the dark and call me to go online IMMEDIATELY and i have to comply u. u make all these unreasonable requests and i tried my best i have my life and i'm busy. I need rest too and you deprive me of that just because you want it perfect.
Well, I can't answer these questions, since it's subjective.
And so, is it the project's fault we're having differences on how we view our projects? That's why I'm so passionate about this. Your actions in a project don't affect just you, it affects the whole team. So why are people blaming the project? we shouldn't even have worked together fom the start u realised if i hadn't controlled myself i would have yelled at you ages ago?
Is it my negative point that I get worked up when I spend half an hour trying to coax you to cooperate with us and work on our PW food packaging? I was trying to get you to please forget about your goddamn french test and think about the three other people standing there, trying our best to make the project work. We wanted to get good marks, not for the perfectionist, no, but for everyone in the group. And remember that he has NCC. I have Council. She has NPCC. You're not the only busy one.i remember that hsin ning and guang jun are much more free than i am. i have french and guides, because of the packaging i spent the whole day doing it and didn't even get to prepare for my french test at all. next day u just tell me that you don't like it and u dont use my packaging at all. i did all i could to prevent myself from going berserk and because of the project that we're working on, I AM NOT SHOUTING AT YOU
Just try to understand, this isn't my fault that I got so stressed out trying to make things work because the group couldn't make any decisions fairly without your opinion first.
I understand if you were tired. But we all are. Even when I'm tired, like when I came back from the sec 1 camp, having gone more than 2 days without 5 hours of sleep combined, I still respond to people. And why is that? Because I know when people talk to me, they are seeking a response. It isn't fair to them if I just block them out like that. That would be wrong on my part.i don't respond because i hate talking to you. it's really irritating to hear your voice sometimes.
Do you get how hard it is to deal with someone like that? I think I've offended you, since you're blatantly ignoring us, but I don't know what I did. And it used to hurt, till I got over it now.you made fun of me spit water and chased me i told u to stop but u never did. u said that you'll stop when i tell you to but did u? u never did. thus i ignored u, spent the whole day calming myself down, forgot about all by the next day and there u are, insulting me all over again when u didn't even apologize at all
I know you're busy, and I feel your pain for that. But do you honestly know how much I go through?
And I know you think I'm some star of a freakshow because I want to get the best marks I can, and excel in Council at the same time.
Let me show you how much the freak does, okay?
You tried (if you even tried) editing the Victory diary, right? (C'mon. You made a comment. That's not editing.) And you made our elit powerpoint, right?
Well I did the Victory diary entry.
I did the cover.
I did the powerpoint.
I bothered bringing the powerpoint.
I wrote our skit's script.
I organised the props.
I initiated everything.
I edited your powerpoint, and put in the subtitles we needed.
So if you're tired, just think how much more tired I am. I have a lot of commitments too, just like you.i know you did a lot but did u even give others the chance to do it? u always inform at the very last minute and reject all that we did in the end. i'm sick and tired of it that's why i can't be bothered anymore. i hate it to work with u
Besides, if you were really my friend, you would try talking it out, at the very least.it took me so long to realise you're not worth to be my friend
It's sad to say, I failed to converse with you about this topic, and I regret this. Because you were as enthusiastic as a laying log.u were the one who did me wrong at first and while u continue your life ever so happily and i go on my own way, alone in class trying to figure out what next u, say i should talk to you when u didn't even initiate it. u just ignored me and continued playing
But project works isn't breaking us apart, it's us.
And consider that maybe, just maybe, it's not me, it's you.
I'm not saying I'm totally 100% innocent here, because maybe I pushed too hard, but no one said anything, so it's my bad for that.
But honestly, woman. What do you want me to do if you won't even TALK?you want me to talk and shout at you? i wanted to end all of these quietly yet u had to hurt me with this post
Yeah, it is. It is impossible.
I've been trying so hard since I genuinely thought I'm supposed to let you know about this issue, as a friend. But it kinda didn't work out that way, so, I'm moving on.
I don't have much time for this shit. If we talked nothing would have happened. It looks like it's too late, so I'm gone.nope if we had talked, we would just totally ignore each other. now you're acting as if nothing happened between us at all but, i can't. u just make me feel that you're a hypocrite.
I'm strong on the surface,

Not all the way through.

I've never been perfect,

But neither have you.i know i'm not perfect but things just can't wok out between us so why can't u just let go?
- by caaaarmen(: ranting halted at 9:08 PM Comments
yeah that's it. a failed friendship and all that was bottled up in me is finally vented out. we owe each other nothing now and i am glad to say from now on, i shall forget about you. i intended to be just normal friends with you but your insults and posts just hurt me so much that i don't think you're worthy to be one. You ended all these yourself and my sec 2 life had been half-ruined because of you. You're an eye-opener and that i'm glad to know you nevertheless. I never knew i had such high tolerance level. Now when i look back at ahs, all i think about is what happened in this school, all the depressing times. I am telling all those out there reading, my friendship with her can never be repaired. i feel like i've always been her toy, to bully. She never treated you like that and trust me. No matter how much she made fun of u, she still made cards and notes for u, treated u as a true friend. but she never did to me. that's the difference and i am not saying that u can't be friends with her. i can't order u but all i want to let u know is that u cant have two best friends. ultimately u will lose one. as long as she's still there, we will still be affected. I don't know if everything on your blog is your heartfelt words but all i can say is that i don't know what you are thinkng. whenever u laugh and joke around with her, i don't know if she means more to you and i really did consider giving up. it's tiring, to not be able to talk to you whenever she's around and all the hiding. i know you're sick and tired of this topic but i just have to be sure of what you're thinking. if this isn't solved, i fear that one day we'll just become strangers.

Last day of school in anglican high

Nope. I didn't cry. No hint of sadness either. Don't know what's happening to me. I was touched by some notes, but the 'i won't get to see them again' thought just didn't dawn on me and no tears managed to squeeze its way out of my eyes. Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway, i left the school, heads held high, and i never looked back. Took lots of pictures but no tinge of sadness. I felt no particular emotions. After that, i went to tampines mall with Evan, Li fang and meredith. Meredith told me that she will treat me to a meal when she gets her first work pay. And she shall keep her promise. Everyone seems very tired today and we were like doing nothing much in particular, went pizza hut, had lunch (almost puked my pizza out---i was the last to finish the food coz i drank two cups of pepsi) Lastly, all i can say is that the best thing that i had in pizza hut was the pepsi.
there was a subject combination talk and mr yeow announced 21 people going ip and he had this very unique way of ending our sec 2 year--by eating lollipops all at the same time. teachers and students, few hundreds of people, popped the lollipop into our mouths at the same second. looked like nursery kids. hilarious. guangjun said that i spelt prostitute wrongly in his card (spelt as prostitude) and the guys were joking how i was going to go ip when i can't even spell it correctly. Didn't know they knew that word so clearly...
Maybe i'll just buy a photo album that costs $7+ to record all that i've been through in AHS... Pathetic how little messages i've got. I guess this marks the end of my life in ahs. To those still staying, jiayou and all the best!
photos of the day!!!

official last guides activity

Today is my last guides act. Yunjin and rachel, both going ip as well, cried. But i didn't. I'm still rather bewildered as to why i didn't cry, nor feel sad at all. Is it because i know i'd still be seeing them? Or that i have no feelings at all? I don't know.
Just before guides ended, Charlene ma'am and Yingyan ma'am announced that 3 guides will be leaving for ip and said some very touching stuff. It was like a mini 'farewell'. I was touched but i controlled my tears. Then, Annabella and maggie came forward to say their messages and i was really very touched. But when annabella mentioned 'she's always so random and lame and crazy over her husband bob, which is actually a pendulum bob...' I was just smiling. I felt a bit bitter inside but not to the point that i'd cry. My junior, vivian cried because of me... I didn't feel much. I don't know why. It may be my last official guides act but i don't seem to feel so. Or is it that i haven't really accepted the fact that i'm leaving already? It's not like i'll never come back... I hope i'd cry tomorrow. Or it'll be as though i've no feelings at all. Maybe there'd still be something in this school that's worth crying for...

Whoots!

I'm happy today. :D Annabelle got into VJC as well!!! Haha i've got another friend there already. Gosh i'm so happy. By the way, she's the girl whom i met at the interview. I remember her name but i hope that i'd be able to recognise her... HAHAHA. I hope we'd be in the same class. :) smiles!

black jacket

I went shopping with my mum at tampines today and i finally got my jacket. :D The clothes in shopping mall are expensive. The winter clothing are nice and stylish. However, the prices are equally 'pretty'. Back to school tomorrow... :( And i've got cookies sale duty again. I hope we are able to sell all the cookies... And someone hasn't paid me the cookie money. If he isn't paying, i'm getting the money from his father. Don't think that just because i'm a girl you can bully me.  5 more days to holidays and 22 more days to my official full stop of my guides journey...

Concert day

Today is a saturday yet i didn't get to sleep till late in the afternoon. :( Because of my mum's concert, i had to wake up early and being a good girl, of course i would agree to help... Heehee. In the auditorium of singapore polytechnic, the concert was held. It was such a wonderful day to sleep and there i was, watching children dancing around and adjusting the spotlight... It seems meaningless as the performance was not very touching or anything (what can you expect from a bunch of little kids?) There was this boy who tried to kiss a girl on the stage. It looked er -_-''' After that was buffet. The food was ok and er very filling. :) After that, slept on the car and went parkway. To buy my brother's clothes. He was extremely fussy and i spent hours waiting for my mum to finish choosing. Tired and angry coz it was a wasted trip, bored to death when my mum was busy fussing aroung his clothes, without finding any, i almost shouted into the phone. But, my high self-tolerance managed to keep me under control. *proud looks* And that ends my day. Today is a total waste of time. I could have watched 5 movies or read half a chinese novel... Never mind. I'm being nice today so i shan't be bothered by this day. I shall forget about it... It's 9 43pm and i've decided to go to rest. Nights!

some things just cannot be forced

Sometimes, it's good to not get too close. There will never be enemies, nor someone whom you hate forever. As time passes, the emotions you experienced will no longer be as strong and gradually, you will forget about everything. But, when forced by circumstances at certain points of time, you work together with these people and just realise that you can't get along with them. You may not feel anything when you aren't that close to that person, or that you barely talk to the person. However, the holes in the friedship will only prove that you can't get along well with that person. The holes will always be there. It's just a matter of whether or not you feel it, you see it.
As what Mr Tay said,

“勉强是不会有幸福的。”

This year had been really, really tiring. A failed friendship, injuries, lost, misunderstandings, disappointment... So many, so many things. I need a break and perhaps leaving is the best choice that i have.
Once you've fallen down, the experience would be like a shadow that follows you, that haunts you down. At the very first point, you may not feel anything, just worried. People said that my tooth could be glued back, but it was not the case. The fall meant nothing. The pain was not that horrible. I could take it. I wasn't afraid of it. But just very worried for the lost of my tooth. When the dentist said that a fake one could be fixed back, i was relieved, not even bothering to think about it anymore. As long as there is a tooth there, it doesn't mater at all. However, the disappointment in my mother, for she was very proud of my neat set of teeth, and the after-effects of having a fake tooth and all that i have to take note of, it just hammers into my head the fact of the lost forever. To others, it may mean nothing since it looked exactly like real, but who would know the phobia implanted in my mind? The lost struck me as painfully as a lightning would have strucked a person. Running, walking, climbing down the stairs, playing ball games... All these things may seem like small insignificant things, but to me, i keep having flashbacks of the fall. Not the pain but the feeling of my tooth broken into half when my face hit the floor. I could taste blood, feel my half broken tooth resting on my tongue. I don't dare. I'm afraid. After so much warnings from parents and dentist, i don't want to fall again. I don't want the whole nightmare to happen all over again. The emotional stress is too much for me. It may all be destined, but there's always the phobia that follows me. Flossing my teeth everyday, food getting stuck at my fake tooth, unable to munch on harder food properly, even eating bread can be troublesome at times. If you don't experience it yourself, you wouldn't know how i felt. Some may say i'm over-reacting, but i just can't afford anything to happen again. I used to think that breaking of my tooth would never ever happen to me but what happens in the end? There is never a 'never'. Anything can happen. Being very cautious is the only thing that i can do to protect myself. The older you are, the clearer the memory stays in your mind. There's no way to erase it away. It stays as vividly as it happened.
This is most probably the start of a nightmare. A heart-breaking, tiring year. How i wish all these can end...quickly. Will my year end with a nice, complete full-stop with everything settled, or just even more disappointment?

uncertainty

3 days and i finished a chinese novel online. Nice story. But i guess i'd have to take a break now, since i'd always be void of the world whenever i start reading a book and get captured into it.
Today was getting back results day. Not worth celebrating at all. Not at all. It was quite horrible, and i wonder whether or not my french had affected me in certain ways, since i only started to really pay full attention studying after my french exams. I guess i may have to give up on it next year. Hope i can endure a bit longer. I don't wish to give up!!! But still, i bet i don't have a choice... I feel uncertain, scared even. i just heard that vjc would be looking at our results, though i didn't receive any email that indicates that we have to show them the exams results...But i heard from others it was in the mail. I checked and couldn't find any. So, what the heck is happening? What if my results turn out to be horrible? I dread to think of the worst possible outcome... I don't know. I feel lost. No doubt this holiday i would be studying really really hard and when the year starts , i'd have no time at all to slack or whatsoever. It'd be study time. I don't know if i'd be able to stand it, to be able to endure through, to be able to do well. What if i end up being kicked out or that i can't stand it anymore? Then how? I don't know why i lost the confidence that i had just yesterday. The confidence that i have to pull me through the next few years no matter what. My results? Comparison with others? If my studies were really below standard, then why was i selected to go for the interview? My cca will stop after annual camp, but that would be like 16 november? I guess my holiday is just studying. No time to enjoy, go out everyday... Once again, i'm stuck in the middle, having no idea whether to step forward or retreat backward. I don't know. I really don't know...

first meal my bro cooked for me

Today, my brother actually cooked breakfast for me. Hotdog and egg. Looked a liitle too oily but still, wow. Unbelievable. I was about to prepare my own breakfast when he came in and told me that using the frying pan is faster. Then, being lazy, i told him to help me cook my share too and he actually said OK. The first meal that my brother cooked for me. WOW.

My money!!!

26 dollars gone because of some ***** internet thing on the phone. There goes my pocket money. I guess i shall just fast in school. Lesson learnt: Never use phone's internet. :(

失望啊！

It's halloween soon. Hence, i've decided to change my blogskin back. Today was tiring and nothing fun, since i've got a horrible sore throat. I spent the first half of the day in Mr Tay's office, writing cards and watching videos. I've did all those in two days. *proud looks*

It's disappointing, that someone was actually very happy that i'm leaving. One whole year spent together, doesn't it mean anything to you? We may not be good friends, but we can still be friends right? Or are you just so afraid that i would steal any position away from you? Am i such a threat to you? I've never really hankered after any position, since i've been planning to leave. Haix.

A few days before exams, Mr boy (from vjc) called me and offered me a place in the school. It was kind of last minute and i only had a day to think about it.

'I've been trying to reach you for the past few days. Please call me.'

'Hi wen jing. I do not know if this is the right time to tell you this. It may be good news to you. We do have a place in Vjc and you are next on the list. As we do not wish to waste this last place and that this place is highly sought after, please make a decision quick.'

The first thing i thought of were my cca friends, Evan, cui wen, li fang. Then, were some other problems that i may face there and i didn't know what to do. I called my mum and almost cried. Over the phone, i could hear my mom's colleague telling me to accept. Then, at night, my mum was already filling my grandparents in with the details of the new school. 30 minutes of consultation from my tutor, with him promising me that he'll tutor me and i'd be able to cope with the studies, plus one whole hour of talk with my cousin who was in hwa chong ip, i finally decided to accept. I know i'd be giving up a lot of things, but perhaps i just so desperately want to get out of this school that i'm willing to take the pain of leaving my good friends behind... I've decided on this path, there's no more turning back and i can't regret. I do hope this is the right choice.

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!

Finally, freedom! Exams are all over. No more mugging, studying, television programmes here i come! 15 more days. Just 15 days left. We'll make good use of the remaining time right?
To Evan, Li fang and cui wen
I'm sorry
Let's cherish the remaining time k?

Science Paper left

One more paper to go--- science. I haven't exactly studied for it, the paper i'm least confident of. I'm getting sick and tired of studying and i almost vomitted my dinner out yesterday. Hence, i went to bed early, at 9+. The papers so far are quite ok, nothing too difficult. But i'm worried for tomorrow's science. I haven't studied my biology and chemistry seems only half done. One last paper to go and i'm freed. So, cheers!
All will be revealed soon. I hope it won't be too difficult.

study, study, study

3 more days to eoy. How i wish it ends earlier. I'm currently feeling the stress, what with the sleepless nights and dreaming of going hiking and seeing rivers, with some tiger-head-marine creature popping out from the river itself (i'm learning rivers in geography) and solving maths (trigonometry) and science chemical equations in my dreams. Yet, when i woke up, i forgot all the sums i solved. Sleepless nights are horrible. At least now, i finally understand trigonometry, geography just a bit more to memorize, chinese considered done just that i'd need more spelling, science memorize biology, revise chemical equations and read through important chemical reactions. That should be all. All thanks to Yeeling, Mr Tay and my tutor, who spent so much time explaining to me. But of course, big hugs and kisses to my assesment book. Without it, i'd still be blur. A few more days to end of exams. I'm looking forward to 6 days later...
I'm finally settled with what bothered me for the last few months. Although my mum has doubts, but i do hope that our friendship will last. It's not easy finding a friend that can really joke and play around with and all these come just so naturally it's as though a part of us are fitted nicely like a jigsaw puzzle. We can do it. Eliminate the differences and talk things out when in doubts. We'd be able to make it through the test of time right? Being positive is all that we need. Cheers!

Why must this happen to me? CHOICES! Argh...